amandanoname

I told a seventeen year old boy to call me on his next birthday…

What the fuck am i doing with my life…

Time to make a booty call. A grown up booty call…

I haven’t written in awhile. I haven’t talked to my friend, Diary (yes, I have allowed it to be my friend, and not just a necessary deterrant from insanity or a place to puke out ideas or whisper creative nothings…baby steps), haven’t had much to say to you fine folks other than “here’s all the words for vagina that I can think of off of the top of my head” or “look at this fucking picture I just found on my dash”. I certainly haven’t been sending letters or e-mails. No little spits of poems or songs or stories that could be, would be, should be great if I would ever commit to and finish them (or anything). Soooo fuck it whats good tumblr?

My life has changed a lot since I last spoke to you! Long story cut very short? I am fucking awesome…

I overestimated my desire to really pour my heart to you guys…sorry about the tumbr bllue balls

I’m back at school. Working more. That’s great.

I am realizing however how “on my own” I am.

B and I finally succeeded at cutting the shit and going our separate ways. Weirdest relationship I’ve ever had with another human being in my life by the way. “What the fuck even just happened?” Is all I can think to say in regards to the entire ordeal. Love that fucker but chyeah that shit ran its course then hopped the fence and kept going.

I’m more over the bar scene than I could ever tell you. I don’t like spending a lot of time with most of the people I hang out with.

I stay home with Tanner the days I’m not working and my nights are school. I’m doing laying out excellent foundations…but I feel like I’m secluding myself more and more.

A part of that problem is this “depression” that I really should call someone about. Each night I go to bed with big plans for the following day and before I know it its 2 in the afternoon, Tanner needs a nap and absolutely nothing has been accomplished. I think of things I want to do…bring T to the park or for a walk? Go to the store and pick up a few things? Clean up the yard? But getting shit together and getting out of the house just seems so daunting. Then by the late afternoon I feel like an asshole and shitty mom because tanner and I are both in sweats or house clothes just hanging out doing what we always do. I can’t begin to tell you how shitty I feel about it but I don’t change it.

I could start in on the money thing but I won’t even go there.

I wish I was better at making and keeping friends. I wish I was more organized….

Baby steps I guess.

If you’re still reading this…dude, you probably need some friends too. But thanks for listening…or reading I suppose.

My first week of all my newness has come to an end.

Overall I will call it a success.

I love school. I loved my choices in outings. My house is much cleaner and more organized (in most places) I love school. I started a new diary. (nikki sixxing that bitch like whaaaat?) Patched up some gaping holes in my brain. Had so much fun with Tanner. Made some good plans. Feel moved on and healed from a couple of my demons. Learned a lot about me to be honest.

One thing that does bother me a bit is that its Sunday night and I am so excited about all this, but I am here alone with no one to watch my progress or be excited with me. That’s the serial dater in me. I wish I was happier to be single. There are parts of me that really need this space and time for just me, but, my dear tumblr friends…I am lonely. It feels kind of empty.

I shouldn’t spend so much time by myself because my lunacy starts to show too much. Reality starts to blur. My brain, which is my biggest asset as well as my biggest downfall, starts playing games with me. I also notice that I start to feel it physically. Ugh.

Fuck it. I need this. I’ll have more to offer someone else when I figure out my of myself…

But for real I wouldn’t mind a cute boy to buy me flowers or somethin.

Today, I scrubbed grout on my hands and knees, bleached the shit out of my washing machine, dug and sorted through old boxes, did all the laundry in my house, jammed the mother fuckin roof off with Tanner, cleaned up rooms just to walk in ten minutes later to see them completely toddlerized. I made plans for my irritating mother to come visit me. I called to find out why the fuck there is no money in my account and got another “it should be in there by tomorrow ma’am, we apologize” I picked up some of the crap and made big grandiose plans for my yard. I chased Tanner around our yard and watched him walk down the street like he’d never seen the world. Then I watched him tumble and completely flip head first down the stairs. Had a couple friends over and looked around my apartment and realized that while I was organizing I actually made everything look much messier. Heard some songs that reminded me of my ex. Missed him for a minute. Thought about it. Then didn’t. And now here I am sitting in my big comfortable decliner with my big comfy blanket watching Perfect stranger and writing you people on tunblr as if someone wanted to hear about the day of a bad ass little 22 year old single mom with a twisted sense of humor that reblogs pictures of people fuckin because she hasn’t had a nice proper fuck in about two weeks and doesn’t see one in her near future in light of recent events and revolations.

It’s been one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. No sarcasm. No self pity. I really mean it. Today was fucking awesome.

When I hear a line from a song and go “facebook status!”

When I hear a line from a friend and do the same

Acting like a dude

Finding what I want in my purse first try

Wings over Worcester

Making fun of people without them realizing it

Sober Beebs

Singing inappropriate songs quietly to someone in a formal forum where they can’t laugh or say anything

Making jokes out of horrible, awful things

Curtis’ music

Not knowing how to get somewhere and getting it right by guessing

That Andy and Amie are moving upstairs

The weird way things come up

When someone rests their face on my leg while I’m gettin gettin some heeeeaaadd

Cynicism

Johnny Depp

Ed Norton

Fight Club Brad

Having something to look forward to

My birthday

Old comments/posts/pictures/saved conversations

People’s reactions to brutal honesty

Hearing some of the shit people have me saved in their phone as

Sleeping through the night

Predicting the next song to come on the radio

Helping people out

Being loyal as a motha fucka

Weapons

Movie nights

Taking too many pictures

Being that mom that makes you look at all the pictures of her kid

The fact that I’m falling asleep…

When a song has perfect lyrics

When I write something I’m proud of

Making stupid analogies

Watching someone that deserves it succeed

The fact that I can appreciate a hard working, beautiful woman and not hate on them

Cumming simultaneously with your partner

When tanner gives kisses without me asking

Holding tanner in the shower

Buffalo Chicken anything

How much fun I have with Erica

Cutting up the roof of my mouth on sour patch kids

Making obscure references that people pick up on

SLC punk

Eminem…always

Memories with Laura

The few moments when I feel like she still loves me

Max, Anna, Achilles, Alexis, Elise, Sampson, Ajax

My possible future relationship with Alexander

Happy memories from my childhood, especially with my brothers

The way I feel like a princess in my dad’s world

Memories and the fact that I got to have Richard B. Prazak in my life. I miss you and love you R.I.P. Dick

When a song I love, that not many people know, comes on and someone knows it

Listening to old west coast rap with the windows down in the car on the first warm days of the year

Remembering how much you love old songs

Singing Green Day with Matty

Seeing an ex and thinking “haha! Winner!”

Falling in love

That feeling of not being able to keep my damn hands off someone

Having some sexy homeboy come up behind me while I’m doing something and wrap his arms around me

Getting complimented on my amateur cooking skills

Realizing how much good has come out of the over abundance of bullshit I’ve dealt with in my life

Not having a single zit on my face

Having enough extra money to buy myself something purty

Eating snap peas and fresh green beans raw

When everyone laughs at a joke I make

Singing gangster ass songs like I’m the shit

When I can get high and enjoy it

Strippers

Boobies

Nice lookin lady bits

Seeing people that love their jobs

When people are strong enough to take it upon themselves to fix their fucked up lives no matter what

When someone tells me a song reminds them of me

When I find a person I can really, honestly relate to

Fat ass tax returns

Small, stupid, sentimental gifts

Having a lighter when I need one

A fresh pack of cancer sticks

Getting compliments on my appearance by people not trying to hit it

Printing out pictures

Making bomb ass scrap books

History, especially kings and queens of olden day Europe

“Queen”

Gay boys

Fun group shit talking

When I’m venting to someone and they really listen and have useful advice

Passion tea lemonade from Starbucks

Being so hydrated that I piss clear

Feeling Zen and centered

Going to bed feeling like I have earned the right to be tired because I fucked that days life up!

Staying up all night with good company

The fact that I know I can admit when I’m wrong

Going straight from a scalding hot shower to cool sheets, butt ass naked

The way my body slides across someone else when we are drenched in sweat

Fucking high in the pitch black to really loud, good music

When we are both fucked up enough/taken over by desire to just be completely dirty and disgusting with zero inhibitions while we fuck

When I succeed at dirty talk

The number of people that have told me what a mean cock I can suck

Well placed and clever vulgarity

Bad jokes

Dancing with strangers

Pictures that make my heart melt

Good writing

Original, clever art

Waking up super comfortable and not having to get up right away

When Tanner sleeps in

Having a couple really good secrets with someone

Danger

Movies and books that don’t end the way you think they will

Being at my grams house

Watching penguins walk

Walking in a warm building when you’re freezing

Listening to headphones on the beach

Being under water in the ocean

Being scared

Getting ready with one of my rea ass bitches

When sticking to my guns is hard as fuck but I do it and it works

Making this list and how easy it is

Crying with someone

When Tanner is playing and humming to himself

My eyes

Long drives with good company

Kissing in the shower or popping my head in to kiss someone who is showering

Butterflies (in nature and my belly)

Making out like a horny teenager for a long time without jumping right to the sex

The kiss that follows a serious fight or moment of deep emotion

That people are waiting for me but i am.having too much fun w this

The mayhem and broken social boundaries of a good mosh pit

Crowd surfing

The perfect combination of pain and sex

When they apologize first

Finding something out of no where that has been missing for a long time

Okay I really need to go

Is kinda boring haha.

“once you’ve tasted excess…”

“rather feel pain than nothing at all…”

Numb and bored….

Could. Be. Dangerous.

It’s all bullshit. Haha

Everyone is so full of self indulgent, over exaggerated shit.

And that suddenly concrete knowledge…is why i can’t kick this one

You are the biggest hypocrite ever which is why I know you’re reading this (probably just itching for me to say something to you).

you are going to fuck your own life up forever. That’s obvious. But lay off of other peoples ya fuckin lunatic.